


Words Not Said

by fallouise



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Movie Spoilers, One Shot, implied tsubahono and background nozoeli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 22:04:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12969363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallouise/pseuds/fallouise
Summary: The fading lights of Muse’s final days are upon them, and with it comes Maki’s dawning thoughts on her relationship with Nico. Between arguments and assumptions, the two girls must decide on taking that one step closer, or the step further apart. They hadn’t realized that they already did.





	Words Not Said

When Maki stepped off the stage, red hair pulled into a bun and eyes wide from exhilaration, she couldn’t believe how it felt to be in the center of the world. Her ears still rang with the opening strums of her composition, her mind still numb from sensory overload.

 _Angelic Angel_ was a success. More than a success, in her opinion, as images of their performance bled into the forefront of her mind. Eight other girls shifted. Yellow fans caught the backlight of the city. Calloused fingers -- Umi -- slipped around her wrist and arms slung around her shoulders. Honoka squeezed their group hug as tight as she could; Hanayo giggled, Eli laughed; Umi stood strong on one side, and Nico was holding back tears on her other.

Maki pulled her short senior closer by the waist. She fit just right.

In their circle, Honoka whispered, as if New York’s lights and sounds and glamor and shine obeyed to her words. “We did it, everyone,” a phrase too simple, too small for how huge Maki felt at that moment. Honoka shook their embrace, voice rising, “That was the _best!_ ”

They were broken off as stage managers ushered Muse away and towards the makeshift backstage. Maki followed foreign instructions in a daze, barely registering the flash of cameras, the buzz of crowds. And _ah_ , she thought. So this is what it would feel like, if they had agreed to keep this dream alive a little longer. Their time together was like the lingering scent of an afternoon-- cinnamon and honey and the steam of hot tea, but still the sun insisted on setting, coaxing them back into a duller reality.

Maki came up from behind Nozomi, who was talking to a middle-aged woman in English. Words like ‘take a right’ and ‘wait’ washed over her. Nozomi then bowed, instinctively reaching back and slipping her hand to clasp with Maki’s. “Maki-chan,” Nozomi cooed, her tongue switching to Japanese without so much as a pause. Her eyes were bright with excitement, but her smile, how it curved only at the edges of her lips, told her a different story. “That was our best one yet, wasn’t it?”

She bit her tongue as she spoke earnestly, “We get better and better every time.”

That was all she needed to say. Nozomi’s lips parted, a small sigh, a different conversation. Maki tightened their handhold, and without another word, they followed the others.

The rest of the night was similarly fashioned. They were directed mostly by hands, to a changing room, to a waiting room, into taxi cabs, until they reached the front of their hotel. Maki went with it. She was still processing everything. Taking it in. Standing in the hotel’s grand foyer, amply furnished and with its giant chandelier, it only paled in comparison to the rush just hours before.

So when no one made a move to leave, Maki realized what was happening. Everyone hung in a loose circle. It shouldn’t be as hard as it was. She leaned on one leg as she pointed out, “We have to go back sometime,” but she didn’t have the heart to push. Maybe a small part of her wanted to indulge in this. In New York. In Muse.

Umi hung a loose arm around Kotori’s shoulders. “I believe we deserve to sleep in tomorrow,” and little things like ‘deserving’ and ‘tomorrow’ cracked smiles in everyone’s faces. The air lost the tension immediately. Maki welcomed it. Umi and Kotori were the first to leave, then Rin and Hanayo. Eli bowed her head to whisper into Nozomi’s ear, before looping arms with a dozing Honoka and dragging her to the elevator.

Nozomi eyed Maki, before leaving soon after.

That left one other person.

Nico crossed her arms, jacket creasing at the elbows. If this night were a suspended dream, then Nico was a midnight reality, dark hair and red eyes and pursed lips that made Maki _aware_. Of time going. Of it ending. Nico brushed her bangs to the side. She so much as glanced at Maki once before stating, factually, “I’m going to miss all of this, when it finally ends.”

And these few times, where Nico dropped her facade, were what screwed Maki over. And it had been happening more often lately. “It’s not like we haven’t already said our goodbyes,” came the words, but they felt detached. They weren’t the words on her mind, which sounded more like ‘we should talk’, or ‘was this all there was to us, you _idiot_ ’, but she clamped her mouth shut.

Who were they trying to fool? Talking now would only complicate what could easily be a clean goodbye. And really, at this point, that was all she could wish for.

“Goodnight, Nico-chan,” she pawned off her departure, a cheap exit for surface conversations.

Nico said nothing. Maki left undisturbed.

…

Back when she first joined Muse, and imagined how it would end, she saw a trophy in a case and a group picture for the memory. And that would be it. Life would return to normal. She didn’t think six would grow to seven and seven would take a jump to nine, but she also didn’t think she’d make actual friends, so now nothing was what she imagined and the future seemed too bright to predict.

“I’m a big fan, Nishikino-san-!” A girl stepped forward, a signboard and marker in hand. Another thing she hadn’t expected: _fans_. Lots of them, gathered at the airport as Muse returned to Japan. Many of them were teenaged girls, fleeting glances and insecure footsteps. The stranger held the board out to her.

Maki took it. “Th-thanks,” she murmured, her finger threading out of her hair and accepting the marker. Her signature was linear, and to the point. She didn’t leave room for a heart, like Eli had, or stars, like Rin insisted on.

She returned the signboard to the starstruck girl, who stared at the signature like Maki had blessed it. “I’ll treasure this forever! I really love-- your _voice_ , Nishikino-san. Please never stop following your dreams.” The girl bowed, scooting away with the biggest smile on her face. Her blushing face was pretty, for a stranger.

This sort of separated admiration and straightforward compliments were easy to handle. She’d received them her entire life.

A hand pulled on the fabric of her jacket. Maki looked over her shoulder. “You were the one who forced us to work on our signatures, Nico-chan.” And it wasn’t like Maki found any reason _not_ to, but she stepped in front of the other girl, noticing that a line was beginning to form.

“This… is completely different!” Nico squeaked. “These are-- girls, _our_ age.”

“So? They’re no different from any other fans,” Maki said under her breath, accepting another signboard and offering a trite smile. The row of girls almost withered in awe. Nico’s grip on her side seemed to tighten. And she reasoned, really, that if she had to pick being stuck between a rock and a hard place, or between _Nico_ and multitudes of fans, she wouldn’t _choose_ the rocks.

“But _Maki_ \--”

“But _what?_ You always say to treat our fans right, and that’s what I’m doing.” She had no real bite in her words, and in any case it knocked whatever notion Nico had out of her, who only hung her head and pressed close behind Maki.

She couldn’t say much else as another girl stepped forward.

It continued in that way, for a moment. Maki signed boards, trading words and allowing each fan their moment, as if idols weren’t so much about entertainment and more about _worship_. Fan after fan seemed to disillusion her even more. She wasn’t sure what exactly she was being led away from. “Thank you, Nishikino-san, Yazawa-san!” Only at the mention of the name did Maki realize Nico had drawn herself to her side.

Nico raised her hands into her signature pose, and numerous girls broke into grins, before following suit. “It’s no problem for Nico-nii! Nico loves you all so much,” she exaggerated as her hands lithely formed the shape of a heart. _Cute_ , her fans must have thought. _Finally,_ Maki humored.

She made her signatures a little smaller, a little to the left, and _finally_ , this worked much better. Nico in her idol persona was like a light switch flipped on; artificial, but so glaringly obvious that it was almost believable. Maki herself didn’t care for the ruse, only that she could work with it. She became hyper-aware of how they fell into tandem: Nico, superfluous movements that would enrapture anyone; Maki, stoic and teasingly aloof.

Maki held the signboard for the both of them as Nico chatted up the fans as they crowded around like an excited flock of birds. “You two are _so_ cute together,” sighed one of the girls. At that, Maki stiffened. She wished her eyes didn’t flicker immediately to Nico, whose persona was locked in tight. Maki schooled her features, too, then.

“Nico would look great with anyone, don’t you think? She’s just that good-- _nico_!” She brushed it off with an ever-cheery voice, and the fans didn’t think twice, pushing forward with their signboard barricade. Maki rolled her eyes, never minding how her heart had sunk or how it had quickened. She would convince herself that it didn’t matter, solely because it shouldn’t, not anymore.

“Anyone, you say,” Maki turned her head, letting the words slip out in quiet admission. Nico didn’t react any further than raising her brow, and that was it. They focused on signing boards, and although she could tell that Nico didn’t want to talk about _it_ , Maki wanted nothing more than to strangle the older girl and force a real conversation out of her.

But she didn’t.

And that was it.

…

But Honoka did, paving a new path for Muse, inviting everyone as if there was any doubt that the other eight would follow her. On the rooftop where they stood united, Maki’s heart twinged. They had spent so much time dancing around the goodbyes that, when they finally uttered the words, there were outside circumstances that pulled them back in. How ironic, to not be able to say goodbye when they were ready to.

She listened as the others fussed over Honoka’s half-baked plan. Eli immediately started thinking aloud of the logistics; Rin joked about going out with a bang. Honoka grinned, and Maki almost forgot that this was all in preparation for a final end to Muse. She sought out Nico.

Maki wasn’t sure why she needed to see what Nico had looked like right then, but she found ruby eyes already staring in her direction.

It reminded her of a sunlit beach, where Nico wasn’t in a uniform, but casual clothes. She didn’t have the grin she wore now, but a tear-jerking frown and clenched fists, and it was her eyes that said everything that their tongues could not. Maki had told her that day that they would continue being idols, but they had another, _larger_ conversation that went unsaid.

They weren’t the best at expressing their words, but even with what little words were said, they understood each other.

Something had changed, since then. Maki wouldn’t admit what had caused the shift in their relationship, but on the roof that day, she could not tell what Nico was thinking. What was she trying to say, without words? Maki tried to decipher it, even as Nico was dragged to the side by Rin.

Was this train of thought even worth pursuing?

The decision was made for her as Honoka hugged her around the shoulders. Maki shrugged her off, heavy thoughts and heavy bodies alike. “Honoka?” She prompted.

“Maki-chan! Maki-chan,” Honoka sidled up to her side, batting her eyelashes in exaggeration. Maki rolled her eyes. The girl had something up her sleeve, but instead of trying to shoot it down, Maki waited. Tell me, she egged on as she elbowed the pestering girl, show me your stupid idea and let’s make it happen. “Will you help us?”

A solitary beach of goodbyes and promises rushed through her mind.

Maki nodded once. “Anything you need.”

…

Honoka yoinked her cell phone out of her hands, tapping haphazardly on its screen.

“H-Honoka?!” Maki reached across the clubroom table for her phone. She wasn’t doing anything _incriminating_ , but a person couldn’t just _pause_ a rhythm game.

The phone was sliding back into her hand in the next moment. Oh. Maki tightened her grip, looking at the screen. It was on a different app: Contacts. A new number: _Tsubasa Kira_. Maki scrunched up her nose, looking up at Honoka. “Why did you just give me the number of A-Rise’s leader?”

Honoka’s placating smile broke into jumbled words. “Okay, so I was talking with Tsubasa, y’know?! And she really, totally liked my idea! Then she said ‘ _Honoka-san_ ’,” she straightened her back, beating a fist against her chest. “‘ _Let’s make a song together’_ , and oh, Maki-chan, I didn’t know how to say no. I got swept up.” The redhead slumped against the table in finality.

Nico was in the clubroom too, browsing something on the computer. She didn’t bat an eye at Honoka’s antics, keeping her back toward her and Honoka. Maki reached out and patted Honoka on the head. “I’m sorry, Maki-chan. I made this decision without you. I can work on it instead if you don’t want to.”

“Don’t be silly,” Maki quipped. Honoka raised her head at that. “I said I’d help with anything you need, right? Composing a new song happened to be that thing. And there’s no way I’m leaving this up to you. I can do it.”

Honoka widened her eyes. “Oh man. You are acting so cool right now, Maki-chan.”

“... Whatever,” Maki crossed her arms, turning her head to the side. Nico continued to face the computer. She doubted that Nico would ever turn around for any part of this conversation. “When do you think a good time to call Tsubasa would be?” Maki asked, facing the second-year once more.

“Oh, anytime. I even texted her in class once and she answered right away,” Honoka explained, giving a thumbs up. Maki wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. Whether Tsubasa was punctual or was just the type of person to text someone in class; either way, that just meant that communicating would be convenient.

“I’ll set up a date, then,” Maki surmised.

…

The first thing she noticed was how much closer Tsubasa’s voice had gotten.

Maki had barely turned when she saw Tsubasa, leaning forward and closer in her too-perfect white uniform and her too-collected composure. “How about this?” The words that the older girl whispered didn’t fully register, because she was _too_ close. Too close. Maki tilted away. Distance. Distance would help a lot. Her face burned despite every cell in her brain telling her _no_ , she needed to regain some control in this situation.

She watched as Tsubasa combed a hand through her hair, dragging a finger along to then point to a staff on the music sheet. “How about building up for a solo here? Or,” Tsubasa cheekily grinned at Maki. “are you preoccupied with something?”

“You’re teasing me,” Maki gritted out. She glanced down as Tsubasa licked her bottom lip.

“I was only suggesting a solo. People would want the build-up to lead somewhere, don’t you agree?” And now Maki knew for certain that Tsubasa was teasing her. This was dangerous. This rapid heartbeat was achingly familiar, like a phantom hand clenching the front of her shirt, taunting, playing with her. She squared her shoulders, focusing on the piano keys again.

If she saw movement just outside the music room, she didn’t acknowledge it.

“We’ll write a note to Umi that the bridge is a solo,” Maki said with conviction. Her tongue slipped before she could stop herself. “We wouldn’t want your idea to lead to nowhere. That would be disappointing, wouldn’t it?”

Tsubasa finally stood away, but not before laughing. “You’re sharp, Nishikino-san.”

Maki pursed her lips, her face still warm from the exchange.

…

Practice with nine girls was one thing, but practice with girls from all over the country? It was as if for every one member in Muse, there were thirty variations of them. Maki swore that the girl acting up during the singing rehearsal was a photocopy of Rin. Not necessarily unwelcome, but _exhausting_. Some girls had to be taught the basics, some weren’t so cooperating. With nine, Maki could focus on everyone’s individual strengths, but she had to think in numbers now.

Tsubasa or Umi would occasionally join the lessons, but for the most part, the days leading up to their performance were busy. She was lucky to have a passing conversation with Kotori, and even luckier to see Honoka without running to the next task.

Photocopy Rin was chattering after the lesson about cheese ramen, which-- really? That was a thing? Maki rolled her shoulder and nodded noncommittally to the conversation. She made no show to hide as she pulled out her phone.

 **To: Maki Nishikino  
** **From: Eli Ayase**  
BiBi lunch today? :-) We all need a brick! 

 **To: Maki Nishikino  
** **From: Eli Ayase**  
*break. Sorry, autocorrect. 

That was all she needed as an excuse to break away from the lingering crowd. “I’ve got to meet people for lunch,” Maki stood up from the piano bench, waving her phone. The Rin Copycat gave a peace sign in farewell. Maki left without further comment. Being polite and having patience to lead numerous girls through the inner workings of the song-- easy.

But sitting across from Nico while Eli waited for their food? Not as much.

Maki picked at her nails while Nico fiddled with her phone. So. This was where they had ended up, in awkward silence, because neither one of them would talk about _it_. Maki clicked her tongue. “How’s getting the word out going?”

“It’s going,” Nico said plainly. Okay. She looked up from her phone. “And you?”

She had half a mind to prove to Nico that things were the same, but words caught in her throat. Jeez. How pathetic of the two of them. “Busy,” she wrestled to continue the conversation. Nico gave her a look, brushing her hair over her shoulder. Maki tried to sate the frustration that kindled inside her. Why was it so difficult?

Eli returned with the tray of fast food, practically saving their lunch. “Hey, Nico, Maki. Sorry for the wait!” The blonde third-year took her seat beside Maki. “Three burgers, no onions. That one has tomato in it, Maki.”

“Ah, thanks,” Maki nodded, angling herself towards Eli.

“So what were you two talking about?” Eli inquired. Nothing, Maki thought to herself. Nothing at all. In fact, she and Nico couldn’t have held up a conversation even if they tried.

“Just talking about how busy we are,” Nico answered. She unwrapped her burger as if nothing were wrong. Maki shrugged, going along with it. Maybe if she convinced herself enough, she could fake it long enough.

“It’s pretty exciting, isn’t it? We’re actually making this happen,” Eli laughed to herself. Maki allowed herself a small smile. Eli was a practical person, but at heart she was an idealist. How weird it was, to imagine so many months ago how Eli was hellbent on disbanding Muse. If only all the third-years had shed positive light at the end of the tunnel. “You worked with Tsubasa on the song, right?” Eli had turned to her. “What’s it like working with Japan’s next top idol?”

“Huh?” Maki held her burger close. “She’s not that special. She said herself that she’s still a school idol until then.” Talking about Tsubasa in front of Nico felt invasive, somehow. Like a drop of ink on a white cloth, smearing its dark color and leaking, staining. Maki bowed her head. “Anyway, there’s nothing to say.”

“I think you’re holding back,” Nico observed. Maki jerked her head towards Nico, frowning.  “This is _Tsubasa_ , a girl ahead of the game. Not just anyone gets to be with her so up close and personal.”

“Why would I hide anything? And what is it to you, when I’m alone with her?” Maki countered, heart beating fast. Her head begged her to shut up, quit talking, because none of her words were making sense to her. Staring into Nico’s guarded eyes, however, had ticked her off. She released a breath. “It’s none of your business, Nico-chan. It’s just a song.”

“Yeah, but music is _everything_ to you,” Nico dropped her words like weights. Maki bit the inside of her cheek from saying any more.

“Hey now,” Eli placated. She laid a hand on Maki’s shoulder, straightening her jacket sleeve. “We were only making small talk. We all still have work to do after this, so let’s just relax.” Maki nodded at Eli’s words, but not once did she break eye contact with Nico.

The girl’s eyes fell to the side. “Y’know what? You’re right. Sorry for pushing.”

It knocked the wind out of Maki. She knew Nico to be many things -- irrational, brash, _stubborn_ \-- but for her to back off? Nothing felt more foreign than a person she thought she knew acting differently.

But neither of them spoke up, and the conversation segued, the tension dissolved. Eli talked about her plans of rooming with Nozomi. Nico mentioned the part-time job she was looking into. While Eli largely played mediator, and meeting up with them was a good change of pace, Maki couldn’t involve herself. This must be what it was like when time moves on: talking about the future, catching up on time spent separately. Right before her eyes, her friends were changing.

It was what she wanted, but she couldn’t feel more disappointed.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

 **To: Maki Nishikino  
** **From: Tsubasa Kira**  
Music room. i’ll be there! and waiting 

Maki looked up from the screen to see Nico staring down at it. She reflexively moved her hand to shield her phone, swallowing the hard lump that had formed at the back of her throat. For something Nico had no business in, Maki felt as if she were already involved in the thick of it.

…

“I was having lunch with my friends, I hope you’re aware of that,” Maki stated as she walked in. Tsubasa was sitting on the piano bench, fingers ghosting over the keys. She had a faraway look on her face, even as Maki stood beside her. The warm atmosphere inside the music room made Tsubasa look exceptionally relaxed, unusually inviting. Maki’s face blushed at her thought. “What’d you need?”

Tsubasa tilted her head to peer at Maki. She played with a smile on her lips. “Nothing, really. Listening to the final version together sounded good when I thought to text you.” She pulled something out of her pocket -- an MP3 player -- and _oh_ , now Maki couldn’t shake off what Nico had said. Not that it was true, of course.

She sat cautiously on the piano bench, careful that they made no contact. “Fair enough. You know, you’ll make a good idol when A-Rise goes professional,” she ventured. Tsubasa hummed as she handed Maki an earbud. “You know how to be charming. It’s a good look on you.”

“At least I am to one redhead,” Tsubasa slid her finger along the MP3 player, pressing play. The sounds whispered into Maki’s ear, a culmination of her, Tsubasa, and everyone else’s efforts. They sat together in silence, as the instrumental continued, a two-person audience to a concert. They were thinking of different people. She hadn’t realized that Tsubasa was leaning against her until she was. “High school passes quickly, Nishikino-san.”

“I would think so.” She didn’t know where to focus on, so she trained her eyes forward.

“You start thinking about what could’ve been different if things had gone differently. Would we have worked on this song together, had you not beaten us?” Tsubasa snaked an arm around hers. For some reason or another -- or maybe because she didn’t mind -- Maki let her. She let Tsubasa continue, privy to a sudden conversation. It wasn’t anything like Nico had implied, no. “We were proud of ourselves. Losing to Muse gave us some much needed perspective.”

No, with the expectant drumming rhythm of their song, Tsubasa was not talking to her as a person of interest; she was a senior, talking to a junior before taking their final leave. “Do you think we should have kept going as Muse?” Maki asked, out of curiosity. They had already made their decision, but she and Tsubasa were talking figuratively. It seemed to fit.

The other girl took only a second before shaking her head. “I’ve stressed to Honoka enough times how Muse could make it. Out there, professionally. But you know how she is. I admire that about her,” Tsubasa released a small chuckle, and Maki hummed. She made a quick mental comparison between her and Honoka; they couldn’t be more different.

That gave Maki a peace of mind, surprisingly. She leaned her weight against Tsubasa, and they met halfway. “I’ll go to one of your concerts sometime, so make it good, alright?”

Tsubasa only laughed, a familiar and distant tone that threw Maki’s thoughts back to a different third-year. Her heart grew heavy. She had no fight left in her, only a tiredness that ached in her bones, as if dying down from an adrenaline rush. She’d been saying goodbye so often lately that she’d forgotten what it was like to say a “see you again.”

Then again, maybe it was too late.

…

Rin’s house was exactly as she’d expected. There were family portraits all over each wall, and at every corner of the house there seemed to be _something_ going on. A new painting. A basket filled with sports balls. A haphazard stack of magazines and manga. The only part of the house that wasn’t cluttered was the kitchen-- the holy ground that was kept immaculately clean. Maki stepped through the front door with her mom, bowing slightly to Rin’s own mother.

“Rin and Hanayo are upstairs, honey. Make yourself at home!” Rin’s mother ruffled her hair, and Maki left the two moms to talk. She hadn’t been to any sleepovers before, so she wasn’t sure if she was supposed to stay and greet herself properly, or just follow as instructed. She figured Rin’s family was the type to wave off formalities, though, so she ascended the staircase without further preamble.

It was cute. The wall alongside the stairs had pictures of Rin growing up, and by the third picture Hanayo had become a permanent fixture. By the time she’d reached the top step, everyday photos were tacked all over the wall. It was _sickeningly_ cute. “Rin? Hanayo?” She called out.

A leg stuck out of one of the rooms to the left. “Over here, nya!” Maki rounded to the bedroom to find both Rin and Hanayo scattered on the floor. Rin lay near the door, and Maki softly kicked the extended leg. Hanayo was on her side and browsing her laptop with one hand. A Muse song was playing softly from its speakers. “Took you long enough.”

Maki stepped over Rin to sit besides Hanayo. “I can’t even get a proper hello?”

Hanayo giggled. “Nope! It’s punishment for being late,” came the innocent threat, and Maki relaxed. Here they were, at the night preluding their final performance, and it couldn’t have felt any more normal than any other night. Rin pointed out where the bathroom was (with her foot, again), and talked ceaselessly about the dresses in the magazine. Hanayo was flitting between Twitters of professional idols.

She was the odd one out, but she sat, and she talked. Rin and Hanayo had done this for years. Maki was simply a welcome addition to the tradition. “I might explode before tomorrow’s performance!” Rin declared, rolling around on the floor. “Rin really, actually might, nya.”

“No, you won’t,” Maki butted in. “The choreo needs nine people, and you’re too nice to ruin the formation.”

“You don’t need to insult me in order to compliment me, Maki-chan! But you’re right,” Rin rolled into Maki’s side, prompting her to lean against Hanayo. “I’m still super excited, though. We worked so hard with everyone. It’s kinda weird to think it’s tomorrow, and then, y’know, that’s the end of it. I mean, we still have two more years, but it’s not the same, y’know?”

Hanayo nodded. “This year is really special, don’t you think? I keep thinking to myself, ‘how can we do better than the best time of our lives?’, but I still haven’t answered it,” she admitted freely, and both her and Rin turned to her. Ah. This was where she’d pipe up in the conversation, maybe answer the question herself, or throw in her two cents. Maki wasn’t sure what to say, however. She had too many thoughts to say in one sitting.

“Well,” she began, lamely. “It’s because it’s the nine of us, right. But after the third-years leave, it doesn’t have to be sad. It can just be…” She thought of black hair and red eyes daring her, taunting her to think of things she’d rather avoid. “Different.”

“That’s a good one, yeah,” Rin murmured into a pillow. “Different.”

Hanayo tapped something on her laptop. “Wanna listen to tomorrow’s song before the real deal?” She offered, but Maki shook her head.

“I’ve heard it enough times that I might start humming it in my sleep.” Hanayo shrugged, selecting A-Rise’s new single to play instead. And this was why she appreciated the other two first-years. Hanayo didn’t pester and Rin knew her boundaries (although she liked to push the line, her heart was always in the right place), but more than that they included her. Maki scooted to lay on the floor with Rin, sharing the long pillow. “The real deal will be better, anyway. It’ll be all nine and three hundred of us singing it.”

“It feels like the end of a dream,” Hanayo sighed. They said nothing for a while. Rin might have dozed off at points, but she always surfaced to consciousness, as if willing herself to stay up with her friends. Maki glanced up at Hanayo. She wouldn’t be surprised if the girl was used to odd sleeping schedules. She recalled that tickets to idol concerts could sell out in seconds-- she couldn’t remember who it was who told her that. “Oh! And also,” Hanayo reached for the bedside table. She pulled up a text. “we’ll be meeting with the second-years just outside the neighborhood, then head to Akiba together.”

“Hnnyeah,” Rin answered groggily. Maki rolled her eyes, but strained her ears as Rin continued to talk. “Nozomi said her and Eli will meet up with us.”

“Ah.” Maki duly noted.

By the time Hanayo had slipped off her glasses and turned off the lights, Maki felt her stiff body ache. There was something seriously wrong with her. She didn’t get much sleep.

…

Nico didn’t meet up with them, having only intercepted her on the street leading up to where their performance would take place.

…

The end to this performance was electric. The emotions ran high and hummed throughout her entire body, and she was dazed. Not like how it was when they performed _Angelic Angel_ , but Maki felt as if she had been pulled into focus, like the camera lens tightening on its subject. Sharp details jumped out to her: Eli jumping into Nozomi’s arms, for one, or Tsubasa forcing her way through the throngs of girls. Above them, a helicopter was circling the event.

Bits and pieces of conversations called out to her, and she paid attention to each one. ‘That was _amazing_ ’, ‘we actually did it’, ‘you did great’-- every school idol around her had their moment in the spotlight.

Maki pulled Kotori and Umi into an impromptu hug. I love you, she wanted to express in her action, I love you two so much, thank you. Umi was unabashed in returning the affection, and Kotori patted both their heads. She left them after a final squeeze.

And she found herself bumping into Nico. The older girl only grinned, tears already lining her eyes. The sight of her was enough to summon the waterworks for Maki, too. They said nothing, immediately going for a mutual hug. Oh God, Maki felt her heart wrench. Too many emotions rushed through her mind, and it felt as if she were being splashed awake with water. She wrapped her arms around Nico’s waist, holding her close.

Jeez, was this how it felt to be in love?

Nico made no move to end the hug. She moved her arms up and down Maki’s back. It was familiar. Maki missed it. She missed everything, even how Nico was the perfect height for these sorts of hugs. Maybe for this one moment in time, they didn’t have to fight against anything. For just right now, they could let the world happen, the same world that gave them the rare chance to meet.

Maki felt shockingly aware of her surroundings. Before she knew it, everyone was forcing Muse to the front, pushing them to the center, and Nozomi held up a camera. When had that happened? Even as Nico pushed against her, Maki could only smile. Eli laughed at their antics. She heard a countdown, she saw a flash, but every part of her was focused on Nico, who outshone everyone.

She’d have to ask Nozomi for a copy of the photo.

…

Maki shouldn’t have expected things to end so smoothly.

She hadn’t suspected anything the first few days. Especially taking into account that they announced publicly that Muse would be ending, any of them would want some peace and quiet. She let it lay low. But when a week turned into two, and then Maki was soon stepping back onto school grounds, it was as if she’d been slapped on the face.

For all Maki knew, Nico had dropped off the face of the earth, despite the fact that she knew that Nico was staying home or the fact that Rin would mention offhand how she’d gone to the arcade with her. Had Nico ended it while they were on a high note? Did she cut it off before they veered south once again?

Either which way, school had resumed for her. Nico was just another worry on top of others.

Maki figured she would fade in time, but Nico was always there. She was in the clubroom, with its empty shelves. She’d pass by the third-years hallway and found herself glancing at Nico’s old locker. Not even the music room was safe from her thoughts of the other girl. In fact, she felt as if she were thinking of Nico now more than ever. Heartache? Probably. Frustrating? Yes.

She once spent an entire day gripping her phone, thinking of just the right message to start with Nico. ‘Hello. Hi. Where are you? I thought we were getting better, why aren’t you _talking_?’ She stared at her phone.

Maki should text first.

But what would she say? She left that plan of action at home.

…

Maki felt like a walking corpse at times, just going through the motions of being human. She wasn’t dead. She was living normally, talking to the new members of the idol research club, participating in school, but in the grander scheme of things, Maki didn’t know what to do.

The message had been clear enough: Nico didn’t want to associate with Maki anymore.

It confused her. It made her angry.

But mostly it hurt.

She’d gotten so mechanical that she almost short-circuited when Honoka approached her about joining student council. “Hehe,” the girl had chuckled, rubbing the back of her head. “We can always use more hands. Eli-chan’s like Superwoman, y’know?! She did so much by herself, and with her gone, everyone’s figuring out how hard being in student council is.”

“You’ve got Kotori and Umi,” Maki reasoned, she stacked the papers on her desk carefully.

“Aww, Maki-chan, don’t make me say it,” Honoka pouted, kneeling so that she could rest her chin on the desk. Maki looked down at her in question. Pouting even harder, Honoka muttered the words, “You’ve been really out of it, Maki-chan. I’m worried for you.”

“What?” Did she hear that correctly? Just how obvious was she, if even Honoka could tell? “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about. Honestly.”

“Me neither! I don’t know anything,” Honoka reached out and grabbed one of Maki’s hands. “but you feel sad, and I want to help.” And it would be so easy to fall in love with Honoka. Once Honoka focused on something, she put in 110% of her effort and dedication. She was a walking cloud of positivity. It would be so easy but she wasn’t _Nico_.

“Thank you for worrying about me, Honoka,” Maki whispered. “I just need time alone, though.”

“This is about Nico-chan, isn’t it?” Geh, the older girl was scarily perceptive at times. “Everyone misses the three of them. And-” Honoka’s face contorted. “ _Ooh_.”

Maki waited. But Honoka didn’t say anything yet, still holding that sour face as if she sucked on a lemon. “What? Spit it out.”

“You miss her. But not in the same way I do. Or how Eli would,” Honoka spoke in the rare way, when she seemed to be thinking of a bigger picture, something that not even Maki could imagine. Maki fingered her blazer sleeve. Honoka nodded slowly, as if she were beginning to see the picture in its entirety. “Yeah. You and Nico.”

“What about us?”

“You’re the nutball case. You have, like, a problem the rest of us don’t have. Did that make any sense?” Honoka laughed awkwardly, and Maki joined her, because it did.

...

The sun was lighting up the misty morning when Maki jogged up the steps to the shrine. The air was cool but the sun was warm -- the contrast woke her up, encouraging her to pick up the pace. She reached the shrine as a person came out sweeping the ground. “Eli?”

The blonde squinted into the morning light, but her face was already lifting. “Is that you, Maki?”

“Mhm,” she affirmed, pocketing her hands. Eli was in casual clothes -- a light jacket, skinny jeans -- and had never looked better. It was as if Eli had matured even more overnight. Maki lifted her chin. “I was expecting to find Nozomi, though I shouldn’t be surprised to find you here too. How’s it going with you two?”

“Oh, Maki,” Eli said, her voice going up. “We spent three years together, and now to live together? It’s more than I could ever imagine.” Maki scuffed her foot along the ground. Was that how a person sounded like when they were in love? She had come here with an intent, but now more than ever she doubted herself. “Anyway, was there something you needed? I may not be Nozomi, but I’ll do my best in her place.”

“Hmm,” Maki’s eyes skirted the empty shrine. “I didn’t need anything, but Nozomi gives good insight… even when I can’t admit to things.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to trouble you.”

Eli swatted her shoulder. “You silly, you won’t trouble me. If high school’s taught me anything, it’s that my friends are here for me, like I would for them. So what is it? Need help with homework? Relationship troubles? This broom is a weapon if there’s a boy involved,” she raised the broom threateningly, and Maki cracked a smile. So here was the childish Eli she had grown to love.

“No boys,” Maki waved Eli away, who laughed while swinging the broom around. Maki joined in the laughter. “If anything, I guess… I just miss the past year already. Rin, Hanayo, and myself already talked about how different this next year will be.”

Eli’s smile lessened at that. “No kidding. I can’t believe we only had one year. One year. There’s never enough time.” And Maki supposed that this was good enough; a graduate, sympathizing with a recent second-year. Eli seemed to catch her change in mood. “Maki, I… don’t know what you wanted from Nozomi this morning, but I can tell you that we were all feeling the same thing. At the end. You believe that, don’t you?”

She looked to the side. “Yeah, I do.”

…

Maki waited for the dial to ring, until it wasn’t. She breathed in once, “Nico-chan? Let’s talk.”

Both of them left too many things unsaid, but if she can believe in what Muse shared--then maybe it wasn’t too late to say something. Maybe it wasn’t too late to start the conversation.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm clearing out my writing wip's from the past years, and I found this! ahhh 2016 was so long ago, and 2018 is coming up. I don't have any writing notes for this one (it's been too long), but this was one of my first fics that I've written using an outline. I haven't written a longer story without an outline since then!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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